May 10, 2021

I’m trying to pay closer attention to my harmless urges to move in unconventional ways. Sometimes I might follow them, and sometimes not, but at least I want to notice them.

Today I noticed, as my boyfriend told a complex story, that I was imagining all the nouns in the story as invisible blocks, floating in front of me. I felt an urge to reach out and arrange them according to the unfolding plot of the story, because I remember things better when I can connect them to a position in space.

I interrupted briefly, to explain what I was about to do. He already knows that I’m trying to mask less and move more freely, but this kind of meaningful movement was a new idea.

“So you’re just, like, a little bundle of constrained interpretive dance?” he asked with a smile.

It’s true, I am – even more than he realized while saying that. Many years before we met, when I used to dance more often, my favorite style was always interpretive dance – especially improvised.

I think it’s because my body wants to put everything into motion: Words, feelings, concepts, plans… and, apparently, even stories.

P.S. I write from my personal experience as an autistic. What I share is not a substitute for advice from an autistic medical professional. Also, some of my opinions have changed since I first wrote them.